Personalised Paper: Santa's Closest Relative
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A group of Japanese scientists last night ended ten years of scientific research by declaring <forename> <surname> as the closest living relative of Santa Claus. The researchers, who are based at the prestigious Hoto Yaming University Tokyo, have spent the last decade poring over a host of genealogical data, population migration records, and satellite tracking information.
Almost two years ago the scientists confirmed that they had conclusive evidence of the existence of Santa Claus and set about comparing his DNA samples with the genetic structure of selected families from the rest of the world's population. That has enabled them to locate Father Christmas's closest living relative and, much to their surprise, that search has taken them to the somewhat unexpected surroundings of <location> in England.
<location> is home to <age>-year-old <forename> <surname> - the <man> who has been named conclusively as Santa's flesh and blood. "It's a quite incredible find," said Yoshimura Krismasoto, the head of the Japanese research group PRESSIE (The Public Research Enterprise for Santa Studies and Inherited Ethnicity). "We were happy enough when we found that Santa was a real-life person, but to find his closest living relative is absolutely incredible. I think we can safely say that <forename> <surname> is the world's nearest thing to <Mr> Christmas. I'd imagine the rest of <his> family are expecting an extra-special present from <him> this year after finding out the news!"
Friends and family of the <age>-year-old were understandably shocked by the news, although they later stated that the revelations explained a few things which had previously seemed unusual. <Surname> might not know it, but <he> clearly has a lot in common with <his> famous family member. One family member told us, "I wondered why <he> only ever seemed to do one day's work a year round the house, now I suppose I know where <he> gets it from. Similarly, <he>'s always had a bit of a fondness for the odd glass or two around Christmas-time. I only hope <he> doesn't get the same big red nose - that might be going a step too far."
The Japanese scientists are now hoping to conduct a series of tests on <surname> that will show whether <he> has inherited some of <his> relative's more magical powers. It is not yet known whether <he> can make reindeer fly, although another source close to <forename> told us, "I'm definitely hoping for a positive result. <Forename> gives me a lift in <his> car every now and then - but I'd much rather jump on the back of <his> sleigh. No more traffic jams or having to wait for the roads to clear - we could beat the rest of our mates to the pub every night!"
The world's press gathered in <location> last night and lucrative offers from sponsors from all continents are expected to make <Surname> an overnight millionaire! Santa will surely be more generous than ever this year.